My Corona Diary (Take X): The Funeral Home Sent Us A Survey...

<But Really...It's Just A Flesh Wound":
The Reckoner>

Some businesses take their desire for job security to new heights. That's the only conclusion that The Squawker and I could reach when we came back from running some of the usual mindless errands, checked the mail, and came across a survey from one of the local funeral homes.

"Don't look now, Dear Squawker," I laughed, "but I think somebody's trying too hard to tell us something."

"Maybe a little too hard, yeah."

Actually, we've heard from this particular funeral home before. A couple years ago, they sent an invitation for a pizza party -- of all things -- at their local chapel. Can you imagine the conversational play-by-play here? "So what are you planning on doing with your mortal remains?" Yeah, and oh, by the way, pass the pepperoni. And who's up for a game of Pictionary?

As surveys go, this one's awfully detailed. They ask if you've ever made funeral arrangements, if you're aware of prepaid funeral plans, and have ever considered such a thing. And that's just page one!

Come page two, the nitty-gritty gets increasingly specific. "How much might you expect to pay for a funeral?" They give six options to check off (zero to $2,000, $2,000-$4,000, $4,000-$6,000, $6,000-$8,000, $8,000-$10,000, and over $10,000).

But see, here's the thing. Right now, an estimated 40 percent of Americans don't have $400 in the bank for emergencies, so I'm not sure how many will check off anything after the first box. If they check that first box.

They ask how important is the location of the funeral home, and/or cemetery? (Note to anyone in a dysfunctional family: you might want to give this question a miss.) They ask if you've made arrangements for cemetery property, and leaning toward burial or cremation ("If you have given thought to this subject").

I continue skimming down the list. "Do you currently have life insurance information and accurate family records to assist you or a loved one with funeral planning?" No, because my jobs never funded more than bare minimum coverage. When I asked my current insurer for a quote, they immediately wanted to know how much I weighed, and if I had a pre-existing condition. (I fudged both answers, but left it alone. I can take a hint when someone suggests, "This is not for you.")

Hmm, let's see, what else? "Is the beneficiary currently on your policy alive?" I've covered that, so... "Do you currently have a will?" Yeah, I have something worked out, but with all due respect, guys...I'm not donating my body to science.

The list goes on. "Are your loved ones and family members aware of what you desire and prefer for your own arrangements?" Let's just say I'm not pressing the fast forward button. As you get older, you don't want to see your next birthday flashing so fast before your eyes. Know what I mean?

They ask who'd make arrangements, once you die (children, family member, spouse, other -- just in case you have a James Brown-style valet), and if you'd have "peace of mind to know that you could do the planning in advance and that your family would not have to make these arrangements themselves?" There's that pre-planning thing rearing its ugly head again. And there goes that $400 thing, too.

Finally, question 19 asks if you'd like some "free information about funeral planning and the types of services that are available." Actually, they could have put this one up first, and then, you might have a real discussion, since any type of funeral -- more than most experiences -- shouldn't be a one size fits all proposition, right?

And last but not least, just to cover all the bases: "This survey is part of a general distribution. If this letter reaches you at a time of illness or loss, please accept our sincerest apologies."

So if you've gotten off your potential COVID-19 deathbed, or just given Dear Old Uncle Roscoe the sendoff of a lifetime, you're excused. The rest of you? Just fill out the "name, rank and serial number" info, and slip your survey into the handy prepaid envelope. 

Oh, as a token of the trouble they've taken, you'll get A Final Wishes Organizer. I'm sure it's a fancier version of the $1 Jot notebooks that I already use. But thanks for the thought, I guess.

Our current COVID death toll stands at 124,000, out of 2.43 million cases, and 747,000 recoveries. (Reckoner's Note: Those numbers stood at 112,000, 1.2 million, and 528, respectively, when I first wrote this entry only a week ago.) It's a little unsettling, to say, the least, when you've got somebody projecting that either you, or someone close, is potentially case number 124,001. 

I know what to do with that letter now, I think. I slap it back down on my desk.

Well, guys, here's the thing. We've all got to die some day, but when it happens, I hope it's not on your schedule. Because when Hell freezes over...I'll skate. --The Reckoner