Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Some Tabloid Headlines We'd Like To See...

2008 Bank Bailout Revoked!
Newly-Uncovered Accounting Error
Returns $875B Back To U.S. Taxpayers
Bankers Sent To Federal Detention Hearings:
"It's Only Temporary," US Attorney Claims
*********************************************
White House Calls Special Joint Session 
To Overhaul Affordable Care Act Morass 
Prez: "Should Have Kept Public Option Alive:
What The Hell Was I Thinking, 
Subsidizing All These Insurance Giants?"
********************************************
Radical New Fix Unveiled to Cure 
Stubborn Unemployment Rate:
Disgraced Mortgage Barons
Now Clean Floors,Dig Ditches,Pull Weeds:
White House Puts Corporate Welfare To Work
********************************************
Mysterious Peruvian Megavirus
Blasts Content Mills And Temp Agencies
Offline, And Into Oblivion:
Ex-Contractors Chuckle:
"The Temp Nation Giveth, 
And The Temp Nation Taketh Away"
********************************************
Fast Food Workers
Arrest Ronald McDonald At Wage Protest
McDonald's Forced Employees 
To Work Without AC On Hottest Day Ever:
Groundswell Grows In Oxaca Vs. The Clown
********************************************
So Much For The 1 Percent:
Mega-Rich SUVs, Luxury Cars
Melted, Sold To Fund Nationwide Food Bank
Billionaires Bitch About Riding Subways:
Poor Hail End Of Week-Old Birthday Cake,
Stale Mac And Cheese, Tunafish Cans
And Other Crappy Food Pantry Castoffs
********************************************

So Funny You Forgot To Laugh Dept.: With so many genuine sociopolitical absurdities out there to laugh about, why did the fabled supermarket tabloids of '70s and '80s yore spend so much time -- and precious newsprint -- on the usual faded parade of two-headed babies, defrocked B- and C-list celebs, closet cross-dressing Senators, and other fabled conceits of the tabloid business?

We're not quite sure ourselves, exactly, so we decided to strike a balance in the "right" direction -- with some headlines appropriate for our times.  Now, here's the kicker...amid all these displays of banner-typed absurdity, (1) headline is totally true, and (1) headline is partially true (we've slipped in a qualifying "kicker" phrase to throw your nose off the scent -- that's how editors do it, y'know).

Give us the right answers by midnight Saturday, and you'll get a special prize of our choosing...(3) punk rock collage postcards, plus a packet of press clippings suited for our ever-so-desperate times. If not, we'll announce the results, updated right here....over the weekend.

As in Britain, "first past the post" wins -- in case of any confusion, we'll use email timestamps as the tie-breaker.  We can't make you rich and famous, but we can make you laugh, and make you a micro-celebrity here.  Surely that's worth something in these blighted times, right? --The Reckoner

UPDATE (3/30/13): Well, as it turns out, we may need to wave a few bob around next time...perhaps. It's the end of the month at Reckoner Towers, so we'll have to time our next little competition a bit differently. 

At any rate, the correct headline was #5: "Fast Food Workers Arrest Ronald McDonald At Wage Protest."  The partially correct headline was "McDonald's Forced Employees To Work Without AC On Hottest Day Ever" -- which we, shall we say, "found" somewhere -- but, to the best of our knowledge, there's no revolution brewing against McDonalds in Mexico ("Groundswell Grows In Oxaca Vs. The Clown"). 

However, the photo of Ronald brandishing the automatic weapon does hail from Mexico -- so, perhaps, something's happening that we don't know about yet. At any rate...we'll come up with another little artdisplay/competition down the road. --The Reckoner

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