Unseen Skit #1: Academic Distraction (Take II)

<i.>

If you work in any creative field long enough, you're bound to have your share of offbeat experiences. About seven years ago, a close friend invited me to submit skits for a new comedy show airing in his city (Grand Rapids), right on the ABC affiliate, no less. That sounded better than the usual Craigslist crap ("WANTED: ZOMBIE EXTRAS for postnuclear romantic comedy. MINIMUM 16-HOUR SHIFT for weekend shoot. Must bring own costume and makeup. NO PAY, but free French Fries provided. GREAT EXPOSURE!"). 

I had one small reservation. "I haven't written any skits before. Well, at least not since our college days," I pointed out.

My friend just laughed. "Doesn't matter. You'll be on a writing team that'll hammer it into shape for air. You'll need to come up at least every couple of weeks, though, if you want a voice on the show. What d'you say?"

"Oh, what the hell," I shrugged. "Can't be any harder than learning the guitar, right?"

"Now you're talking!"

I felt the smell of promise in the air. Who knew where this idea might lead? I'd done the usual public access-type stuff in college, but this proposition sounded like a major step up from that era. Hell, who doesn't want to be on TV, right? Only the reluctant, and how many of those Greta Garbo wannabe types are working nowadays? Your 15 minutes of fame just might pay a few of those pesky bills.

<ii.>

I duly gave up a couple of late nights, ending up with the first attempt that you see below. (I'll post the other one when I get a free minute.) I had no ideas about "proper" script format. (See, show biz in general -- and Hollywood, in particular -- works like the Supreme Court. If the margins aren't just so, all the content isn't properly centered, and so on, they don't have to read it, apparently). 

I decided not to worry about such issues. As my friend noted, a team would polish whatever I did, so I didn't plan on getting too attached to whatever words finally got past my brain,This effort, "Academic Distraction," sends up a certain sort of low-budget ad -- one you may see running today -- from a certain company that claims to match students with potential college choices. For free, no less. Who could object to that?

But when you type in your area, the only choices that pop up are for-profit colleges -- think University of Phoenix, and so on -- whose charges are way more felonious than their two- and four-year counterparts. That spelled comedy gold to me, especially if I could link that little glitch to the sprawling student debt explosion. 

Takes I and II focused on the guitar hero living in his basement, with a parody of the theme song. That seemed less inspired than the idea of said guitar hero trying to raise his student loan payments by busking, and running into some old buddies on the street. I couldn't write too many lines for them, since I only had about five minutes to get the point across. But this version (posted below), I think, gets the point across pretty effectively.

Sadly, I've never actually seen this effort, nor the other one that I wrote ("Flags Of Unknown Nations"). Shortly after I submitted both skits, my friend indicated there'd been some sort of turmoil -- the usual "creative differences" chestnut, I reckon -- leading to a mass walkout off the show.

Still, both skits had aired, he reassured me, though he'd had to make a few changes of his own. Apparently, some people thought they were too political -- which makes sense, since the show aired at 3:30 p.m., a slot that's typically set aside for light entertainment. "Hey, if all we've done is crack one fart joke after another, not much has happened," I told my friend. "I did my best. After all, I'm learning on the job here.")

My friend said not to worry, because the show would probably return with a retooled cast or format, so I might get another crack at writing sketch comedy. That didn't happen, but not for the reason you'd suspect. Our efforts coincided with those brief halcyon days of Michigan's subsidized film program, which led to my one (and only) experience, as an extra on a movie set . 

For further reference, see my post on this issue, "Michigan Kisses Off Its Creative Class: No More Film Incentives: https://ramennoodlenation.blogspot.com/2015/08/michigan-kisses-off-its-creative.html.  And oh, yeah, enjoy the skit. Such is life. -- The Reckoner

<Academic Distraction (Take II)>

(CUE:Hip-hop-ish intro, medium break beat. 

(WIDE SHOT: BUSKER w/guitar on grimy street corner, in front of standard issue grimy wall. A container w/a sign marked,"PLEASE HELP: PAYING STUDENT LOANS," is at his feet. His appearance suggests that he hasn't slept nor looked after himself well.

(He bends to check the container, and rattles it once or twice. It's pitifully empty, as the sounds make all too clear. 

(He frowns, sighs, stands up and begins to play over break beat and scratches.)

I went to high school, kept noddin' off

Then dropped out, my bad luck

There's five jobs for every one of you

Oh, my God, what'll you do?

Now I got referred, for free

To some for-profit university

I'm drowning in a sea of debt

For some career that's never paid off yet

I got hooked up for free

Through Academic Distraction

Took my eyes off the prize

Thanks to Academic Distraction

(CUT TO MEDIUM CLOSEUP: BUSKER ON STREET CORNER.)

BUSKER: Hey, remember me? The guy who nodded off in class, dropped out, ended up sleeping in the basement? Well, I never got to be a rock star. (Hits off random off key chord.) Tuh-wannng!

I'm still sleeping in the basement. (Hits another random off-key chord.) Thanks to Academic Distraction, I'm all hooked up...for 20-thou-plus in loans, plus all the double-digit interest rates you can eat!

It doesn't even feel like real money after awhile, but it adds up fast. (Tuning up dissonantly) That's why I'm on this corner, Monday through Sunday, trying to strum up enough pennies to pay that money back!

CUT TO: BYSTANDER who walks briskly at first, then stops to stare up and down at BUSKER.)

(CLOSEUP: BYSTANDER's hand briskly feeding the required coins into his tip container.)

BUSKER: Beats saying, "You want fries with that," right? 

(CUT TO: BYSTANDER #2, stopping right behind first one. He pauses, looks BUSKER over. He sighs, shakes his head and moves on.)

BUSKER: Oh, yeah, and don't even think about skipping a payment. They keep looking, for up to 10 years!

(LONG SHOT: BYSTANDER #3 stops to size up BUSKER's appearance. Thinking better of it, he too takes a step back.)

Hey, Jim, how are you doing?

(BUSKER offers to shake BYSTANDER #3's hand. BYSTANDER #3 shakes his head, and pulls out a fiver.)

BYSTANDER #3: Wow, never imagined I'd see you here. My God, what happened? (Drops fiver into BUSKER's container.) Oh, yeah. You'll be paying that loan till you're 100-plus. Well, good luck. Get yourself something to eat!

(BYSTANDER #3 hurries out of shot, and down the street.)

BUSKER: Hey, thanks, Jim! Much obliged! (Hits random off-key chord.) Well, I'd better get back to it. Every little bit helps, right?

(CUE reprise of song. BUSKER begins to strum harder, looking left, then right, for anyone coming into tip range.)

Got front-loaded, for free

Through Academic Distraction

Got tangled up in debt

Through Academic Distraction

The interest isn't over yet

Thanks, Academic Distraction

I haven't seen the payoff yet

Thanks, Academic Distraction 

(FADE to BUSKER reprising these next lines.)

I went to high school, kept noddin' off

Then dropped out, my bad luck

There's five jobs for every one of you

Oh, my God, what'll you do?